I’ve lost a lot of people in my life. And I don’t mean by death. Sometimes there comes a point in a relationship, or friendship, where you just don’t need the negativity in your life and you have to sever the tie. Even just this past year I’ve lost people. People who I thought I would always know. People I thought I was friends with in a past life, that I would be friends with in future lives…. Some were shocking, life shaking…. others were… Disappointing. Sometimes it’s my choice. Sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes it makes sense, and sometimes it tears me apart trying to make sense of it. But the thing that matters the most to me, when I lose someone, is the memory they take of me, and the memory they share with others. Sometimes, people like to burn other people to the ground just so their own pain isn’t so strong. This is what haunts me.
Sometimes my words are like vomit. They make me sick until I get them out. And I’ve kept my fucking mouth shut tight. But I think I’ve lost the need for the higher ground. You are trashing my name, while blackening your own heart. I’ve lived many years of my life struggling to understand why people lie, bewildered by the ease of the lies that hurt so badly but slide right off the tongue like fresh blood…
Why do you want so badly to hurt me? Yes, you are hurting me. Every day this goes unresolved, every time you tell another person some shitty lie about me. I can’t defend myself against slander when I’m not given the chance. When I never even have the chance to know I’ve been knocked, I just see the names drop from my friend’s list, and I know… That was you. You are ruining my memory, and breaking my fucking heart. I know you can hear that inner voice, telling you to stop. Why won’t you stop? I didn’t do anything to deserve the way you’ve treated me, or the awful lies you’ve said about me. And it gnaws at me, not being able to just call you, and ask you why the fuck you are being such a bitch. I don’t think even you know. I hope it gnaws at you, that you’ve hurt someone, and lost them from your life, because of the person you are. This is what you do. It’s what you’ve done to many people. And my opinions of so many people have been forever tarnished because I trusted you. And now I don’t know what to think, or believe. I never would have dreamed you’d be able to weave the lies you spew, and still be able to sleep at night.
But I’m sure there’s a pill for that.
Sorry. I’m sure that stung.
But you’ve cut as deeply as you possibly could. And you’d deny it all in a heart beat. Now all I have left is a picture of your son, and an overwhelming hatred for an entire state.
And I’ve got to get through it. And get over it.
It would just be nice to stop worrying about what you are telling people behind my back.