I used to sing. No, scratch that, I used to LOVE to sing…
I remember when I was little, like 4 or 5, I would make up my own songs and walk around singing them EVERYWHERE, much to the annoyance of my mother who, for years, told me to shut the hell up. I totally understand though, I was probably obnoxious as hell, singing about… walking. Singing about school, and grocery stores. Shoes. Macaroni. Dinosaurs. It was probably cute the first 40 times, and then after that…. Well, after that I probably should have shut the hell up.
But, you guessed it… I didn’t. My aunt even has some video of it… somewhere, luckily not on the internet. I loved singing to the radio in the car. I can belt out a mean Trisha Yearwood, or Celine Dion, Christina Aguilera, even throw in some Bad Company, Credence Clearwater Revival, Janis Joplin, Etta James, Bonnie Raitt, Eric Clapton, Leann Rimes, Led Zeppelin, TLC… I never really cared what genre of music it was. I was always very open minded about music. I could sing a song beginning to end after hearing it only a couple of times. And every friend I ever had, I tried to start a “band” with. It wasn’t always my idea, but I went with it 100% of the time. There was never once a single instrument involved. We’d work really hard on the name of whatever group, and then never write any music, just expect to be allowed to cover hits… I guess? I really don’t know what the hell I was thinking. I would have literally DIED to go on Star Search, or American Idol. I even filled out the paperwork once, but I never went to the auditions. We lived in a small town in southwestern Colorado… I would have had to drive a minimum of 8 hours… no matter which direction I went…. over rough mountain passes, to make it to an audition. That was not going to happen with my $7.25 an hour video store paychecks. So I just kind of let that dream die.
Then, when the booze came and made me think I was cool, I started really getting into playing guitar. It didn’t last very long, and it was probably only brought on by years of teenage angst, depression from my home situation.. blah blah blah… uhhh I think, honestly, it was a little about guys, and doing everything I could to not just be the “fat girl”. At least if you play guitar, there’s SOMETHING else to describe you with. Oh yeah,… it may have also had to do with some low self esteem… that may or may not still linger around here somewhere…….
But I kept my dream alive, in my head, in my living room, on my guitar, in notebooks I am still finding to this day, Like a notebook specifically purchased to write songs in, that had maybe 4 pages written on, some of it illegible, a lot of it just… terrible. That is always awesome, being embarrassed of something you don’t even remember writing, because at 14 you REALLY know love. And how to write a love song… baahhhahaha! And I honestly used to think that eventually I would somehow sing for a living. I entered contests, made a cd… yeah, I put like $400 into my “career”, and hoped for the best. I reached out to local musicians, played venues like the VFW, and the American Legion…. I was truly living the rock and roll dream. Opening for Eric Diamond and his Honky Tonk Band. But I could have totally, at the drop of a hat, AT ANY MOMENT…. Just receive a call from SOMEBODY… and be gone on tour and become a full blown rock star… Any minute now!! That’s really what I kept telling myself. Seriously. Yeah, I know…
I was a “Featured Artist” on several of my friend’s rap songs. YES. Rap. And one spoken word/rap. No, I was not into rap even slightly, ever… but I thought, “this is exposure, this will get your voice out there! This will be the catalyst!! Yes, this one! This is going to do it!!” which over the years morphed into, “ahhhhhh, alright… but I’m going to need another shot first.” It’s on the internet now, for everyone to hear. And it’s embarrassing…. And no, I am not going to share it. Just…..No. Because I wasn’t… and am currently… not. that. good. And you have to be REALLY GOOD… like Adele good, to get anywhere. I love singing to Adele. But I am NO Adele. Yes, it bums me out. Yes, I wish I looked like Taylor Swift, because I would CRUSH Taylor Swift if I looked like…. her…. dammit. And that’s the struggle. It’s super real. But I got to the point where I just couldn’t help but laugh at myself, and cringe a little. I would just hope nobody could hear me.. and I had reaaaaaaaally bad stage fright. If you can’t stop shaking when you’re up there, your voice doesn’t exactly… do…. what it can do. Booze only helped so much, and probably hurt more than it helped… So that happened.
Unfortunately, and obviously, I never became a rock star. I had kids, I moved, I spent my money on food and diapers. Then some random shit happened. Then some other shit happened. I guess I wasn’t as devoted as I thought to getting my career up and running and being all famous and arrogant and entitled, and most of all… rich. Bummer. I could use about a million right about now. Couldn’t we all? And I would really love to meet people like Bill Murray, and Jennifer Lawrence. But… I probably won’t. What a buzzkill!
I do still think about it. And I still sing. In the kitchen, and of course in the shower, in the car… Whenever nobody can hear me. And I still, very quietly in the back of my mind, tell myself… “Any minute now…….”