Techno Toilet

To ALL Auto Flushing Toilets:

I understand you are a wonderful invention by a very creative and thoughtful, health conscientious human, with a lovely, brilliant mind that came up with a helluva million dollar idea.

And you have come in handy so many times in my life and in the lives of others, all over the world in all walks of life. During difficult times, like in a packed subway station where the germs walk and talk, or simpler times like at the bar, when you can’t stand up let alone find the handle to flush and, let’s be honest, who knows who’s puked where in those places… ?

You have made it easier on so many people; mom’s who have their hands full with one babe while another goes. You’ve made life easier for elderly people who had a hard enough time seeing if this was the men’s/ladies room to begin with, and can’t figure out this stupid friggin futuristic bathroom with it’s stupid motion activated hand soap pumps, and motion activated faucets (yeah, 4 seconds of water is plenty, thanks) and motion activated hand dryers and motion activated paper towel dispensers (4 inches of slightly absorbent paper will totally dry two dripping wet hands, thumbs up, five stars!!), cursing and huffing in and out of whichever one they made it into. It’s one less thing to figure out; it does the work for them. They stand up, it flushes. It’s simple. It’s genius.

But today… You didn’t help me. You didn’t make things easier at all. My 3 year old cannot hold her tiny little body on that 2 foot off the ground toilet with the seat that has a huge gap in the middle for what I can only assume is for women with wieners (now, I fully support our LGBT’s, and this has nothing to do with anything like that, so calm down, and keep reading), so of course, I had to stand there holding her, and because I moved my hands you flushed as she sat there, at a well used public bathroom… Three. Fucking. Times. Why?? Why did you think it was Ok to flush 3 times in a twelve second period? WHY? And why is there not some big red ‘DISENGAGE’ or ‘MANUAL’ button!?! WHY!?! The water splashed all over her and all over me. GOOD GOD I thought we were at Niagara Falls taking in the mist! Then, as if because of the sheer terror from what had just happened, she couldn’t even go!! And now my sweet little girl probably has chlamydia, because of your technologically advanced BULLSHIT.

Fuck you, auto flushing toilets.

Fuck you straight to the deepest pits of hell.

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